this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
