If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
