you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
