Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
