im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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