Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
