I think scott just propositioned me for sex
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
