Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize