Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
What happened to fro yo and sex?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
