I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You ate ashes out of my bong
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
