When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
