is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
