Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
