Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize