3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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