yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
