Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
