just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
