my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize