Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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