Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
