A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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