i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
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