I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
