i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
