I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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