This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Randomize
