you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
