Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
