im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
