I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
