You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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