Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
