So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
