He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
