i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
