I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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