That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I need to calm my uterus...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
