Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
