my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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