I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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