The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
