I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
