I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
