hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
