I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
