you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
