Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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