i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize