I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
