there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
