I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
