he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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