I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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