Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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