HIV tests are more positive than that guy
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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