my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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