Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize