I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
