Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
